Monday, April 20, 2015

Far better things ahead...

I started this blog to journal my feelings as I go through this pregnancy and the wonderful things that come with being someone's Momma.  It's funny to go back and look at my thoughts and all the random things that get written down here. Sometimes life can be so stinking amazing and you just want to soak it in and remember it.

For instance, today I got to sleep in a little bit and enjoy my morning (mostly decaf) coffee with my adorable son riding in the backseat to grandma's house. I stopped to get a delicious bagel with a gift card I won over the weekend and came to work. I texted my mom and mentioned how tired I was feeling today and she shows up at my work an hour later with a yogurt parfait and a pint of cookie dough ice cream. As if that wasn't enough, I went to see Easton on my lunch and he actually laid down and snuggled with me on the couch for my entire break. The flowers are starting to bloom, the air is warm today, and I happened to have Peach Snapple in my van. There's two precious babies in my belly growing, kicking, and making me more excited day by day.  Life is wonderful!

I told myself yesterday that I was not going to be upset today. There are SO many amazing things going on in my life. But today was supposed to be my due date. The baby I lost in September would have been full term today. Now I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to feel bad for me. Yes, miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through.  I did cry today. My heart loves that baby as much as the son I saw on lunch break and the two sons I'm carrying. So yes, it's perfectly acceptable for me to be emotional today and remember that baby.

But today I don't have a void. There is no hole left where that baby was. Do I wish I could have met that baby? Of course. I know I will someday. But did God heap blessings on top of my family's life after losing that baby? Absolutely. In fact, today I'm struggling with the thought, If I could still be pregnant with that baby, would I change what happened? Back in September, I would have done anything to keep that baby. Today I look at where I've come since then, where I'm going from here and I can't help but think that God's plan was perfect. It was painful, it was heart-breaking. No one wants to go through that. I am for sure not saying that I am glad it happened. It sucked. But if there is one thing that I know for sure, it is that God's hand was in every step of this journey, writing our story the way He saw fit. I believe that because we chose to praise and trust Him through our darkest days, He blessed us with days more bright than we ever imagined. And it's my responsibility to give Him all the credit.

I don't deserve it. I have a rotten attitude sometimes. I judge people too quickly. I'm definitely not in the running for wife of the year. I don't have enough patience with my son. I whine about stupid stuff. I can be an absolute jerk. I get angry. I am selfish. I don't have much compassion. I question God. I could go on... but you get the picture. I'm a hot mess like everybody else. I don't know why God chose to bless me so much. I don't know why He gave me a husband and a son that are pretty much perfect. I don't know why He let me get pregnant again so quickly, and with twins! I don't know why He gave me the perfect life that I get to live.  I'm no preacher, I don't speak or write eloquently. I've typed and erased the end of this paragraph fifteen times.  I have no answers, other than that God is good. I am so grateful that He allows me to look back and see His plan at work.
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

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